healthy family
the importance of teaching your children to be inner directed
By Jamie Jacobs
Perhaps our childhood dreams are to be a fire fighter, veterinarian or doctor – but being a mom or dad is right up there on our list. Impatiently, we look forward to each milestone that brings us closer to adulthood – driving a car, securing our first job, going on our first date. The ultimate rite of passage is that of being a parent and creating our own legacy. Often our entrance into marriage and parenthood is with rose-colored glasses, believing in the perfect picture of Happily Ever After.
It doesn’t take long to learn that parenthood is harder than we ever imagined. Conflicts arise. Children become rebellious, struggle with disabilities or otherwise do not live up to our expectations.
It is important for parents to adjust their pre-conceived notions, accept each child’s uniqueness and teach them to be successful and inner-directed so they can live happy, productive lives. 2,500 years ago, Plato the Greek philosopher, talked about how people’s thoughts determined their perception of perfection: the perfect spouse, parent, child, marriage and family. A sure-fire way to sabotage our future happiness is to hold tight to those thoughts rather than embracing the reality of what is.
Our children are influenced by many people, often strangers, each contributing to their perception of what’s normal and what they will emulate when they reach adulthood. Now more than ever, children must be taught to be adaptive, creative and quick to learn new ways of doing things. Problem-solving and coping skills are critical. Most importantly, they need to learn who they are at an earlier age, including their values, morals and beliefs and have the confidence to respond to life’s situations appropriately. Children with these skills are considered to be inner-directed.
Most of us were raised in families with either authoritarian or permissive parents – sometimes one of each. Neither parenting mode works well to create inner-directed children.
Authoritarian methods used punishment rather than discipline to create a desired behavior. While children may learn to be obedient, they may grow resentful and feel powerless, with rebellion or low self-esteem as adults. A permissive parent does not clearly define expectations or provide sufficient guidelines, boundaries or structure. A child raised in this way may lack self motivation and responsibility.
How do you raise inner-directed children?
Parents who teach their children using discipline, rather than punishment, show how to assume responsibility. They teach by sharing their family culture, beliefs, morals, values, expectations and responsibility give them an enormous gift. By teaching with love and respect, parents empower children and support them to become inner-directed. The process of learning right from wrong and practicing problem-solving skills at an early age builds their confidence to learn skills to successfully handle situations as they arise.
When your child’s self-esteem comes from within, they know who they are and don’t seek approval from others. This allows them to resist bullying, gangs, peer pressure, crime and other troubling behaviors. Children raised without boundaries or rules, or who are told what to do and how to think don’t learn how to make decisions on their own; often looking to others to do it for them. They are more likely to hang with the wrong crowd or make poor choices.
Some Tips for Teaching
Children to be Inner-Directed
• Catch children being good – praise good behavior, don’t focus on bad.
• Demonstrate by example that you value people over material things.
• Promote self-esteem. Use assertive communication using I-statements. ex. I am concerned about your new
friend because he is obviously using drugs.
• Be open to communicate about sensitive subjects, such as bullying, sexuality, & grief, rather than avoiding them.
• Use conflict resolution, not power struggles.
• Use discipline, with love - not punishment.
• Appreciate a child’s uniqueness; don’t force him/her to conform to your idea of the perfect child.
• Use cooperation, not conflict.
• Unconditionally love your children, not on the condition he/she act a certain way.
• Show understanding when they mess up; not shame; use mistakes to teach.
• Accept feedback from them vs. being defensive. We all make mistakes.
• Focus on the present, not the past.
• Embrace change.
• Have compassion for your children’s feelings; be open minded.
Children are treasures we have been entrusted with to keep safe and love. Our job as parents is to teach our children, through example, lessons and experiences to become self-sufficient, self-actualized, responsible, caring members of our family and society. If we achieve that, we have succeeded in the most important role of our lives and we’ll experience immeasurable love, peace and reward for our families, society and generations to come.
 Jamie Jacobs is a
Certified Breakthrough Parenting®
Instructor and publisher of The Guide to Health,
Wellness & Creative Living. She may be reached
at Jamie.breakthrough-parenting@wi.rr.com or
(262) 945.1263
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