healthy family
The Good Karma Divorce
By Judge Michele Lowrance
If you are going through a divorce, or know someone who is, I know you are terrified. We look around and see the wreckage of this process everywhere. I’ve seen it everyday as a judge in Domestic Relations Court in Chicago since 1995. For two decades prior to that, I sharpened my skills as a divorce attorney, but gave up being a warrior for the “right side” when it became clear to me there was no right side in a divorce. Like “an eye for an eye,” the only thing that happened was everyone was left with no eyes.
The individuals and couples I see in my divorce courtroom all have the dream of a new and happier life than the one they are in now. But in order to get to that ”better state” they need a road map of the minefields so they can remain intact emotionally, financially and spiritually. Few couples understand the divorcing process well enough to plot their own course. There IS a way to get through to that happier life MUCH sooner with significantly less damage and pain.
Is there a way to restructure the heartbreaking experience of a divorce? After years of experience, the answers have become very clear. Divorcing people don’t know how much their anger and resentment injures those around them and will consequently damage their own hearts, souls and destinies. They often relinquish their strength by relying solely on their attorneys and the court system to determine their future and don’t realize they have power in this potentially treacherous divorce process.
Every couple has a choice. They can fuse with their anger, resentment, and bitterness, or follow a path leading to peace through wisdom and understanding.
Couples are desperately searching for emotional release. They smuggle their pain into their testimony at every opportunity, even when it is not relevant to the topic, in hopes that somehow the court will know how to lessen their agony. In the end, their desperate emotions remain unattended and unsatisfied. In an attempt to alleviate their pain, even though the pain is transitory, they lash out and ultimately cause irreparable damage. The court system was not built to house these emotions, and attorneys are not trained to reduce this kind of suffering. Divorcing people expect relief far beyond what the legal realm can provide and often end up feeling like members of a powerless, unprotected class.
People want to believe that life is fair and bad things don’t happen to good people. They expect emotional injustice to be fixed by legal justice. They either feel they did something wrong and blame themselves, or they think they were in the right and the justice system failed them. This sense of being treated unfairly happens not just in those cases where all-out warfare occurred, but also in disputes that were eventually settled. Years after the divorce, both groups continue to endure bitterness and quiet, brooding grudges – that eventually resurface.
I suggest an approach that I have developed over fifteen years in my courtroom. If you are in the middle of your divorce or still locked in mortal combat over a divorce that happened years ago, you can discover a way to transform these negative emotions into powerful thoughts and actions. You do not want to compound your misfortune by sentencing yourself and your children to further injury. Divorce does not need to be the defining moment for the rest of your life.
I am proposing an alternative to the rigid view that divorce is the failure of an important life experience or that it is a life-destroying force that taints or ruins everything in its path.
There are four things people need to know about the divorcing process:
- The legal system does not right emotional injustice. Analyze your legal decisions to see if they are emotionally driven. If they are, you may be acting against your own best interests.
- Learn new skills to manage negative emotions and experiences so you are not controlled by your reactions.
- If you have children, learn upgraded and heroic parenting skills that are different than usual parenting and,
- Learn something I call transformative confrontation, the art of getting what you need. Let courage and wisdom be your means of strength – not anger and hostility.
To emerge from your breakup with a life enhancing result, you must choose the road less traveled, be different from those who experience divorce as complete destruction. You’ll find within you qualities and strength you didn’t know you had. In accessing the power of understanding, gaining insights and patience, you will find tremendous growth beyond who you knew yourself to be. Fortunately, you don’t have to wait for your divorce to be over to uncover this new power and confidence.
By taking this new path through your divorce, you can regain your energy sooner, minimize the damage and pain to you and your children from the divorce and emerge into your new life sooner. The choice of paths is up to you.
 Judge Michele F. Lowrance has been a domestic-relations judge in Cook County, IL since 1995. She is
author of The Good Karma Divorce. She is a regular guest lecturer at the Chicago Bar
Association, The University of Chicago, the Chicago Divorce University and Northwestern University and has appeared on “Good Morning America” and “American Justice” with Bill Curtis.
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